So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
