oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
