I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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