We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
