my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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