I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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