I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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