just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
