i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
