sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
