i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
