i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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