I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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