I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
