The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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