He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
