i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
