You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
