i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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