a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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