Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
