What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
