I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
