You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have fence marks all over my body
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
