people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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