I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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