Screwed.edu
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
