My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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