I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
