A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
