I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
