I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
