The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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