I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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