i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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