Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
