apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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