I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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