its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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