I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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