what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
