Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
