I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
