Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
