we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
