I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
