tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
