I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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