jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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