There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
im six kinds of drunk right now
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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