oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
