youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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