20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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