we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I did not marry a roomba.
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