the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
