but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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