my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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