remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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