dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
