Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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