She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I enjoy the company of your penis
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
