when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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